Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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