Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize