I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
