I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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