I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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