Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
two words...techno handjob
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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