I wannas sexs uuuuu
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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