sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
