I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
