I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
