Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
