Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
