Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
