How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
