Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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