I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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