I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize