Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This house was built for laser tag.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
