She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Less talking, more tequila
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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