when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
