Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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