Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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