we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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