Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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