you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dicks are not precious.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
