The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
