Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize