I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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