I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
