I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize