Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
