I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
