Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
