I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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