Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
