I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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