I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
