fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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