A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
