i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
