i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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