Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
