She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
