i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
