dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
