I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
