True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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