she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize