My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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