Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
