Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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