I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
