I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
