I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
