The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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