If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
