So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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