i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
