my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
