The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
