I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
